His
Needs, Her Needs, Our Needs
"Falling
in love is such a funny thing, it's really difficult to describe. You may remember or you may have been
asked at one time or another somewhere in a conversation where someone
finally asked that very difficult question, "How do you know when
you're in love?" "How do you know
when this is the right person?" And the number one answer is: "You
just know." That's
the most ridiculous answer in the world, isn't it?--"You just
know." I remember asking Mom and Dad, "How
do you know this is the right person to spend your life with?" "You just know." Now others have asked me, "How do
you know this is the person...?" "You
just know." It's a
real difficult thing to describe what falling in love is all about. How many of you believe in love at first
sight? Let's find out. Raise your hands if you believe that. This is not a trick question. It's O.K. Do
you know that 40 percent of Americans believe in love at first sight
as an absolute issue. And
another twenty eight percent believe that it probably happens. That means that 68 percent or 7 out of
Now
while some believe in love at first sight, I believe in taking a second
look. How about you? And a second look is certainly worthwhile. You
know there's nothing really remarkable about love at first sight. It's
people who can look at each other year after year after year and still
love each other, now that's remarkable. Love
at first sight can't possibly be anything other than puppy-love, and
everybody knows that puppy-love leads to what?--a dog's life. Everybody knows that. And others talk about love being blind. And that may be true, but many times that
blind love enters into marriage, and marriage is the great eye-opener. Somebody said to me last week as we left,
they said, "You know, marriage is an institution, and love is
blind, so marriage must be an institution for the blind." Maybe some truth to
that too.
Do
you see, the issue is that nobody marries to be miserable. Everybody starts out with stars in their
eyes and hopes and dreams this is going to be perfect. But sooner or later the hopes begin to
wobble and the dreams begin to die. And
we begin to wonder if we were really ever in love in the first place
or not. That's what this series has been all about,
"Love For A Lifetime." Love does not have to grow shallow and
thin and die. It doesn't
have to do that. Norm Crosby
has a great definition of love. Norm
said this, "Teenagers don't know what love is. They
have mixed up ideas. They
go for a drive, boy runs out of gas, they smooch a little, and the girl
says she loves him. That isn't love. Love is when you've been married twenty-five
years, you're smooching in your living room, he runs out of gas, and
she still loves him anyway. That's
love!" You know there
was a recent Time magazine article that talked about love and the basic
thesis of this article was that "Love was a chemical reaction." This article described the fact that 'love
is cooked up in the chemical laboratory of your brain.' And that 'love is literally something
that you fall into and fall out of as a chemical reaction to the hormones
flowing through your body. "And
at best" this article said, "it lasts only two years." Well I don't know if that's true or not,
it's funny how scientists try to put things like love in a laboratory. That doesn't always work too well. But I do believe that a successful marriage
requires "falling in love with the same person over and over and
over again." The question
is, "Is that possible?" And
if so, how can it be done? Well
that's the focus of this session and our
next session together. We've
said so far, basically, if I can sum up four weeks in three sentences,
we've said, "If love is to last a lifetime, it must
be other-centered. If you're going into a relationship self-centered--meet
my needs, take care of me--love will die, I can promise you that.
We
have a need that we share in common. And
that is that we have a need for emotional fulfillment. Here's
what I mean by this. a. Everyone
has an emotional tank. I
have one, you have one, your children
have one. One of the keys to keeping your children
growing healthy, normal and responsive is to continually be filling
their emotional tank. b. And
one of the secrets to staying in love is keeping that emotional tank
full. And that tank can only be filled by someone
else. I can't fill my
own emotional tank. It
can also be drained by someone else. But
we all have this emotional tank. c.
And love burns on the emotional fuel stored within our tanks. Getting
the picture? d. Love burns
brightly when our emotional tanks are full, no one can run on empty. All of our marital problems reflect an
empty emotional tank. And
most of our marital misunderstandings are due to a failure of understanding
how we fill our mate's emotional tank. When
our tanks are empty emotionally, we instinctively seek someone who
will fill it. It always happens. That's why when the love begins to flicker
in the relationship, when two people begin to grow apart, in different lives, they begin
to seek out people to talk to, and people to interact with, so their
emotional tank can be filled. And
I'll tell you this, every single affair
is ultimately the result of an empty emotional tank. That
ought to be a great motivation for us to understand. We must keep our mate's emotional tank
full, and realize that when their emotional tank is emptying, that
they are going to be seeking somewhere to have that tank filled. Now
we're not talking about a mad passion for sex here,` we're
talking about a basic emotional need. Now
unfortunately, men and women have their emotional tanks filled in
different ways. Doesn't
that figure? I mean,
we're different in every other way, so I guess it shouldn't surprise
us. But it would be really
nice if on this one we both had our emotional tanks filled the same
way, but we don't. We
fill another's emotional tanks by meeting their basic needs. And the basic needs of a man and the basic
needs of a woman are very, very different. But
each of us are responsible to set out
to meet the needs of that other person, to fill their tank. And when we fill their emotional tank
we add stability and love to our relationships. And
every time we are insensitive to their basic needs, we drain their
emotional tank. So you
can make deposits in the soul of that other person, which fills their
tank and keeps love burning. But
how in the world do you do that? That's
the focus of the rest of this session and our next. We're
going to look at the five basic needs of a man, and the five basic
needs of a woman. And this morning we're only going to look
at one of them. Now just
about every marriage book out there that's ever been written has
a list of the basic needs of a man, the basic needs of a woman--but
I'll tell you, I read dozens of books and the best list I've ever
seen is from a guy named Willard Harley in the book "His Needs,
Her Needs." And
if you're looking for something to read this week that will help
you on some of the ideas we're going to talk about, that's a great
book--"His Needs, Her Needs". [Willard
F. Harley also has a new book out titled FALL IN LOVE, STAY IN LOVE. You might try clicking on http://www.amazon.com or http://www.Christianbook.com to order them.] But let's talk about the number one need
that he identifies for women.
THE # 1 NEED OF A WOMAN
The
number one need that men need to respect, because God called us to
respect one another, and God called us to meet one another's needs
and all of that--so here it is: He must respect her need for affection. [Websters:
Affection: tender attachment.] write that
one down. Guys, I know
your hand is going to be quivering as you write, but just write it
down--respect her need for affection. Now, it is the cement of a relationship
for a woman. Affection
is the cement of a relationship for a woman. And
men need to understand how strongly women need affirmation that comes
from affection. For the
typical wife there can never be enough of it in the affection arena. Now affection comes far more natural for
a woman than it does for a man, you guys all know that, I realize. They just instinctively are more affectionate
than men. Guys, you need
to do that! a. I mean, you need to be thinking about
building an environment where affection is part of life. You guys often wonder why there is
less passion after the marriage than before the marriage. The answer is really simple guys, men are generally more affectionate before the marriage
when they're dating. And
after the wedding he tends to think "Romantic stuff is impractical,
unnecessary and expensive." [But
divorce can be more expensive!] The
truth is, it's essential. The
man who says, "I'm just not the affectionate type" while
reaching for his wife's body to gratify his own sexual desires is
like the salesman who tries to close a deal by saying "Look,
I'm not the friendly type, sign here you creep, I've got another
appointment waiting." It is the cement of a relationship for
a woman. It is not sex
or foreplay--write that one down guys. Affection
has nothing to do with it. You
see, there's a third thing for you to jot down about this, (a) it is an environment of affirmation,
appreciation--that's what this affection thing is. It's an environment you create. Most guys tend to think of it in terms
of an event. "Hey,
I sent you flowers three weeks ago, come on, what do you want this
week?" (a) It's not an event, it's an environment that you create, and guys, God
has called us to respect the woman's need for us to create an environment
of affection for her. And so, how do you affirm her and how
do you appreciate her and how do you cultivate an environment [of
affection]? Well, one thing you ought to do is ask
her. Just ask her, "What
are the things that I can do that are communicating to you that I'm
thinking of you, that you mean the world to me, that I really do
love you--what are those things?" And
make a list and take good notes, guys. And
write it into your day-timer and put it into your computer or whatever
it is that can constantly spark and remind you that you need to be
cultivating an environment of affection. It
can be nearly anything that says, "I'm thinking of you, you
mean the world to me." b. Write her notes, send her flowers, hold her
hand, invite her to dinner, call her for no reason, ask her
to take a walk--with you. Give
her a back-rub, give her a foot massage, bring home
token little gifts. Guys, go
shopping with her. I
know that's the hardest thing in the world for a guy, isn't it gentlemen? I mean, ladies, if he goes shopping with
you, this is the ultimate expression of love. He
would rather be taken into the back alley and beaten up than go shopping
with you. Because,
you remember the differences in your brain. He goes to shop to buy something. You go to shop. And so he finds himself wandering through
different stores, through different departments, and all over the
place, and he's in emotional pain. But
guys, if you really want to score points, go shopping with her. In fact, if you really want to score big
points, invite her, "Would you like to go shopping?" Am I right, ladies? Raise your hand if I'm right about this ladies. See
guys? It's an environment. There are two things in the environment
that are very important. c. Hug
her. You see, when a
man hugs a wife it sends a powerful message. Women love
to hug. Do you know women
in every culture--in every culture of the world, love to hug and
be hugged? They hug each other, they hug their children,
they hug their animals, they hug stuffed animals, they hug their
pillows, they're hugging--hugging--hugging--hugging. Now the guy who says, "I'm not the
hugging type" had better get a grip on reality. You cultivate an environment of affection
when you are regularly hugging your wife. In
fact, women need eight to twelve significant hugs a day to stay healthy. You fill her tank when you hug her. And
guys, you ought to be hugging her, because hugs
say "I care for you", it says "You're important
to me", it says, "I'll protect you", it says "I'm
proud of you" and it says " I want to be close to you"--all
those things are conveyed in one simple little hug. [Remember from a previous tape, pastor
d.
Kissing is very important to a woman. You know German researchers recently
studied the effects of a morning kiss on people. It's
really an interesting study. They
found the secret to a long and successful life was a morning kiss. A team of psychologists and physicians
and insurance companies teamed up to do this research project, and
they found the key to a longer, happier, healthier and wealthier
life for a man is found in one single act, kissing in the morning. So
not only is it important to her, guys, it's important to you. These German researchers found that men
who kiss their wives every morning have fewer automobile accidents
on the way to work. They
found that good morning kissers missed less work
because of sickness than non-kissers. You
know why? Kissing is
good for you physically. Because
when you kiss you exchange benign bacteria in the siliva which
helps boost and build your immune system. It's
good for you! And don't
tell my teenage daughters that, but it is good for you. Do you know that, according to their study,
men who kiss every single morning earn twenty to thirty percent more money. How can
that be? Well, one doctor
said it's because a husband who kisses his wife every morning begins
his day with a positive attitude. Now
I don't know if that's true or not, but they also found that every
morning kisser lives, on an average, five years longer than men who
were stingy with their kisses. Guys, kiss her. Everybody wins when you kiss her. Respect
her need for affection. It's
the cement of the relationship, it isn't foreplay or sex. It's
an environment of affirmation and appreciation. That's her # 1 need.
THE # 1
NEED OF A
And ladies, his # 1 need, this
will be no surprise to any lady here--respect his need for sexual
fulfillment. Whereas a woman's # 1 need to fulfill
her emotional tank is an environment of appreciation, the # 1 need
for filling that man's emotional tank is the sexual union with his
wife. a.
Men need a frequent sex life. Look
That
[also] means that a guy should never force her into any activity that
she is not interested in or comfortable with. He
should never force himself upon her. And
that she should never withhold from--you see that, ladies, is his need. Just
as you need affection he needs a frequent sexual response from you. He
needs it. You can see the
power of this need demonstrated in our society by the insane behavior
of grown up adult rational men. I
mean, think about the men you know who have given up successful careers
for a fling with a woman. And
whenever I see that happen, I always think, "How stupid this is." Bank
presidents who give up their presidency and pastors who give up successful
ministries and flourishing churches to pursue a woman. But
what it says to us is that this
drive for sex literally unravels the rational thinking of a male if
that need is not met. Women,
it is that important. I
know his frequency for desire is much higher than a woman's. I'll
never forget the day that, after I had performed a wedding on one week,
a couple of weeks later I was standing at the door in another church,
and as the people were leaving and the kids were leaving. And this couple I married two weeks earlier
walked out and they were just back from their honeymoon and I shook
hands and said, "Hey, how are you doing? Did
you have a great time?" And
they both looked at me with this look that said, "Wrong question." And I said, "Oh, well, it only gets
better, you know. Keep
on keepin' on." And
this gal started to cry and she leaned forward and she said, "Dave,
I married an animal." Now
I tried not to laugh. And I explained to her that for her, quality
is important, for him quantity is important. I
also explained that his pawing at her wasn't because he turned into
some lusting monster. That
his sexual advances were due to a powerful need in his life. And that while she is a whole lot like
an iron, it takes her awhile to warm up, he is a whole lot more like
a light bulb--boom--he's ready. That
seemed to help a little bit. Men
need a frequent sex life, and men need a fulfilling sex life. Solomon
acknowledged this in the words to his son. Proverbs chapter 5. They're not printed for you, but let me
read them to you. This
is that father-son talk, you know, where Dad's going to explain the
birds and bees to his kid. Do you remember that talk in your life? I do. I
was in the seventh grade. My
Dad went through all this stuff, every technical term in the book. I had no clue what he was talking about. And when he was finished I went, "Ah-huh,
got it Dad, thanks." You
know how that is. It says,
"Son, drink water from your own cistern." You can bet that boy said "Huh?" You
know, 'running water from your own well' it says. Right Dad. "Should
your streams overflow in the streets--your streams of water in public
squares?" Excuse me? "Let them be yours alone, never to
be shared with a stranger." Now
you can bet this kid has no clue what Dad's talking about. Then it says, "May your fountain
be blessed." O.K. "And rejoice in the wife of
your youth." Oh, now
we're starting to make some sense. And
you can tell that Solomon finally says, "O.K., let me cut it straight." Verse 19, "As a loving doe and a
graceful deer, let her breasts satisfy you at all times, may you ever
be captivated by her love." There
are four words there that describe what this sexual relationship means. It means that it will be blessed. The word is happy, that you're to rejoice in it. The word means to brighten up. It
says, "...may her breasts satisfy you." The
word means to be intoxicated. And "that you
always be captivated by her love", which means consistently and
perpetually as prisoner of her love. You
see, that's the fulfillment that the sex life brings for a man into that
relationship. And of course
it can for the woman too. But
primarily this is a man's # 1 need. Our
son came home after sex education at school--now we've been through all
that with him. We've shown him the pictures and done
the whole thing, because we didn't want him to hear it, you know, at
school--and when he came home after his sex ed class, you know I said, "Hey,
how was it Tyson? You learn
anything new?" "Nope,
you guys taught me everything I need to know." "Well, good!" "Except for one
thing. You never told me you do this for fun!" He
goes, "That's sick!" Well
you understand where he's coming from. I
mean, a boy's first dilemma is when he likes girls more than frogs and
dogs and doesn't know why. That's
his first dilemma. d. But
the point is that, ladies, he needs enthusiastic participation. It's good
for you to be the aggressor once in a while. He
gets tired of chasing you. Chase
him. It does wonders for
him when you chase him. Play
the seductress with him. It's a great thing to add dimension and
life to that relationship. You
can do that.
IN CLOSING: Women need an environment
where they are emotionally fulfilled by affection. Men need an environment where they are
emotionally fulfilled by that sexual union. When
the two of you come together understanding the difference in those
needs, that's when the marriage begins to click. I don't know if you ever saw the film "Milk
Money." Interesting little film. Not
exactly moral [but very tame by today's standards--PG-13]. But
three 12 year old little boys decided to use their milk money to
hire Melanie Griffith, a professional in the sex arena, to answer
sex related questions. Their number one question was this, "Is there a place on a girl where you can touch
her and drive her crazy?" She
told them, "No." And
they were very disappointed. But
as the film continued, she reformed her ways, cultivated a friendship
with the three boys as well as the father of one of them. It's
gonna be one of those happily
ever after stories. And
at the very closing scene Melanie Griffith looks at these little
guys and she says, "Hey boys, there really is a place you can
touch a woman and drive her crazy." And of course their ears perked up and
they lit up and they leaned forward and they're ready for the answer,
and she said, "It's right here",
pointing to her heart. That is really good advice. Guys, you
touch her heart, you fill her tank--and feelings of affection and
romance are the key to a woman's arousal. And
affection is the environment of marriage and sex then the special
event. And when both of us understand that, we
take a gigantic step towards having a love for a lifetime.
[This is the fourth transcript of an eight
sermon tape series titled "Love For A Lifetime" given by
Pastor David T. Moore of
[Copyright © Moore On Life,
His Needs,
Her Needs,
Part I,
Notes
I.
Now the first mutual need that we have--is we
need spiritual fulfillment.
a.
You see the bonding of your bodies occurs in marriage
through physical touching and sex. The
bonding of your souls occurs through emotional and relational experiences
and interaction. And the bonding of your spirits come only through a shared faith and
shared spiritual experiences.
b.
That's why the Bible is so clear about husbands
and wives sharing the same faith. It also means that Christian young
people ought not to be dating non-Christian young people, because you
only have a two-dimensional relationship at best.
II.
We have a second need that we share in common. And that is that we have a need for emotional
fulfillment.
a.
Everyone has an emotional tank. I have one, you have one, your children
have one.
b.
One of the secrets to staying in love is keeping
that emotional tank full. And
that tank can only be filled by someone else. I
can't fill my own emotional tank. It
can be drained by someone else.
c.
Love burns on the emotional fuel stored within
our tanks.
d.
Love burns brightly when our emotional tanks are
full, no one can run on empty. All
of our marital problems reflect an empty tank. And
most of our marital misunderstandings are due to a failure of understanding
how we fill our mate's emotional tank.
e.
When our tanks are empty emotionally, we instinctively
seek someone who will fill it. It
always happens. That's why
when the love begins to flicker in the relationship, when two people
begin to grow apart, in different lives, they begin to seek out people
to talk to, and people to interact with, so their emotional tank can
be filled [less so with men, more so with women. You’ll
find out why in part II]. And
I'll tell you this, every single affair is ultimately the result of an
empty emotional tank.
THE # 1
NEED OF A WOMAN
1.
The number one need that men need to respect,
here it is: He
must respect her need for affection.
a.
I mean, you need to be thinking about building
an environment where affection is part of life. It
is an environment of affirmation, appreciation--that's what this affection
thing is. It's an environment
you create. It's not an event,
it's an environment that you create, and guys, respect the woman's need for us
to create an environment of affection for her.
How do we create this environment of affection guys?
1. Write her notes, send her flowers, hold
her hand, invite her to dinner, call her for no reason, ask her to take
a walk--with you. Give her
a back-rub, give her a foot-message, bring home
token little gifts. Guys, go
shopping with her.
2.
Hug her. You
see, when a man hugs a wife it sends a powerful message. You fill her tank when you hug her. (In fact, women need eight to twelve significant
hugs a day to stay healthy.) Hugs
say, "I care for you", "You're important to me." "I'll
protect you." "I'm proud of you."
"I want to be close to you"--all those things are conveyed
in one simple little hug.
3. Kissing is very important to a woman.
Respect her need for affection. It's the cement of the relationship, it
isn't foreplay or sex. It's
an environment of affirmation and appreciation. That's
her # 1 need.
THE # 1
NEED OF A
1b. And ladies,
his # 1 need, this will be no surprise to any lady here--respect
his need for sexual fulfillment. Whereas
a woman's # 1 need to fulfill her emotional tank is an environment
of appreciation, the # 1 need for filling that man's emotional tank
is the sexual union with his wife.
a.
Men need a frequent sex life.
b.
It says here that sexual fulfillment at home helps
prevent a wandering spouse. It's
absolutely true.
c.
It also says that it should never be interrupted. It should never be withheld as punishment
or offered as a reward. This drive for sex literally unravels the
rational thinking of a male if that need is not met.
d.
But the point is that, ladies, he needs enthusiastic
participation.
In closing: Women need an environment where they
are emotionally fulfilled by affection. Men
need an environment where they are emotionally fulfilled by that
sexual union. When
the two of you come together understanding the difference in those
needs, that's when the marriage begins to click.
Your
Needs, Her Needs, Our Needs (Part II)
[This sermon
is from tape 5 of an 8 cassette series titled "Love For
A Lifetime", given by pastor David T. Moore of the
"Somebody
gave me a book this week, a little booklet called "He Says, She
Says." It was various
definitions of words from a male perspective and from a female perspective. And it was really fun reading, and I would
like to share some of it with you, but then I got to thinking "Now
just me reading them isn't nearly as effective as if I had a gal read
the gal's parts and me read the guy's parts." And
many of you have asked "Is there really a Sonya? Does she exist?" And, ah, she really does exist, and so
I said,
"Sony, would you mind working through these definitions with me
this morning? And that way
people would see that you really are a human being, and, ah, we could
have some fun with this." And
she said she'd be happy to. Well
almost she said that. So I want to introduce my wife of twenty
years, Sonya. She, she really
does exist. We met in a tropical
fish store, twenty two years ago. And,
ah, she came to visit a friend there, and I worked there. And
her friend said, "Why don't you put your hand in this fish tank
and feel the sea anemone, because it'll sting you and it's kind of a
fun thing." And so she
stuck her hand in the tank, and her friend walked out of the room, I
walked in. My very first words to her were "Get
your hand out of that tank!" And,
ah, we were friends, and dated for about nine months, and engaged for
nine months, and at the age of 21 we were married. And
it's been twenty years now that we celebrated last summer. And I love her! And so, thank you for going through this
with me. These are the definitions
of different words, and they're typically male and typically female,
and certainly don't represent our values at all, but at least it will
point out the differences in men and women. The
first word is "atmosphere" [Sonya] "O.K.,
atmosphere, a place with romantic surroundings, tables for two, candlelight
and a strolling violinist." [Dave] "Atmosphere, any place with free
pretzels, big screen T.V. and Monday night football." "Conversational topics. Interesting people,
world affairs and social problems." "Conversational topics--sports and politics." "Daydreaming--imagining
you and your man on a beach walking along the beach, and dancing under
the stars." "Daydreaming--something
you do while your partner has a serious conversation with you." "Delegation--asking others to do things for the benefit of your
family." Delegation--asking your wife to help you find your glasses, car
keys, and the remote control." "Directions--the first thing you ask for to make sure you find your way." Directions--the last
thing you ever ask for, unless you're driving into a swamp." "Dressing
up--Spending hours on your hair, putting on a dynamic outfit, and making
sure your makeup's perfect." Dressing up--changing a T-shirt." [Sonya]
I thought it was socks! "Must-see documentaries--Making of the President." Must-see documentaries--Making
of a centerfold. (It's
not me, this is the average man, you know). Etiquette in automobiles--thanking him for opening the door first." Etiquette
in automobiles--Remembering to roll down the window before you spit." (Don't
tell Tyson these.") Parenting
advice to teens--Telling them you care and then guiding them with love
and wisdom." Parenting
advice to teens--Ask your Mom." Flattering hairdo's--Getting
just the right cut and color to suit you." Flattering
hairdo--Getting one hair long enough to encircle your bald spot like
linguini." "Kissing--an expression of enjoyment and attraction." Kissing--first
base. [Sonya] Don't tell Tyson this one either! "Listening--focussing on every word
he says." Listening--paying
attention until you think of something more important to say." Manners--formal
and informal rules of thoughtful behaviors designed to make others in
your presence feel appreciated and comfortable." Manners--Wiping
your mouth after you take a swipe from the milk carton." Sharing responsibility--both parents contributing to the relationship
by sharing household chores." Sharing responsibility--You
leave the laundry around, she picks it up, you mess up the kitchen, she
cleans the dishes, you track in dirt, she cleans
the floor." Thoughtful gifts for your wife--Satin lingerie, gold, diamonds." Thoughtful
gifts for your wife--A new toaster, vacuum cleaner, thigh-master." (I did get that vacuum!) (She did. Her first birthday after we were married
I made the mistake of buying her a vacuum cleaner and I've never made
that mistake again.)
Well,
let's jump into the message. We're
going to take you on a quick review. What
we've been trying to do during the past several weeks is walk through
a series together called "Love For A Lifetime." And this morning is our sixth session
in this series, and it's really a part II of what we looked at two
weeks ago [the last transcription] "His Needs, Her Needs, Our
Needs." We've said all along through this entire
series that men and women are very different, and most of our problems
are rooted in our differences. Every
cell in your body, men, is different than every cell in her body. She sees the world differently, she describes
the world differently. We
interact differently, we have different needs…
I. Not
only do we have individual needs, we have mutual needs. One of the mutual needs that we have is
we need spiritual fulfillment. Everybody
has that. Everybody in
this room has a need for spiritual fulfillment…
II. We also have a second need, and
that second need is a need for emotional fulfillment. You see, everyone has an emotional tank. The secret to staying in love is keeping that
tank full. Now all of
our marital problems reflect an empty emotional tank. Every
affair is the ultimate result of an empty emotional tank.
a. And
most of our marital misunderstandings are due to our failure to understand
how to fill our mate's tank.
b. You
see, we are responsible to fill that other person's tank. They can't fill it themselves, they can't
empty it themselves.
c. We all
have this driving need to have this emotional tank filled. We make deposits in that person's emotional
tank when we meet their needs. We
make withdrawals when we ignore their needs.
d. And the important
thing about this is the fuel in that emotional tank is the fuel
upon which love burns.
e. And
if love is going to last a lifetime, we must know how to fill the
emotional tank of the person that we live with.
f.
Now this morning we're going to review the two
first needs of a man and woman, and then focus most of our time on the
next four. So all in all, we're going to look at
the five basic needs of a man, the five basic needs of a woman. Now these
needs are not mine, I didn't invent them. The
basic needs that I'll mention to you come from a book called "His
Needs, Her Needs" by Willard Harley. Now
the information I'll be sharing with you is not necessarily his, but
I have found these to be absolutely consistent with my experience as
a pastor and as a husband and as a father, and as somebody who works
with couples. These five needs, when met, fill the emotional
tank, which keeps love burning. So
we've got to know what they are and how to meet them. Now
some of them will sound stereo-typical, some of them will sound simplistic, some of them will even sound chauvinistic. But I can tell you this, every
successful marriage I know of has most of these needs things going for
it, these needs being met. On
the other hand, nearly every marriage I know of personally, where there
has been marital strife or problems, or where the marriage has fallen
apart, it was because these needs were not being acknowledged and met--the
emotional tanks were empty. So
that's the focus this morning.
1.) Now two weeks ago we looked
at the # 1 need of a woman, and that was the need for affection. Now a woman
needs affection. It is
the cement of a relationship. Men
need to understand that affection is not an event, it's an environment. And we as guys are responsible to create
an environment of affection. Writing her notes, sending her flowers,
holding her hands, giving her that back-rub, bringing her token gifts,
hugging her, kissing her, all of these kinds of things create an
environment of affection. It's her # 1 need. It is the most significant way to fill
her emotional tank. The
# 1 need of a man, on the other hand, is sexual fulfillment. We
saw from Scriptures in 1 Corinthians that God calls us to meet one
another's physical, sexual needs, and that it is so important that
nothing should interrupt those needs [being fulfilled] except a short
season of prayer. Men
need sexual fulfillment, and if affection is the cement of a relationship
for a woman, then a fulfilling sexual relationship is really the
cement of a relationship for a man. And
so his # 1 need--sexual fulfillment, her # 1 need--affection.
2. a.) Now, the # 2 need of a woman is conversation. The second most significant way to fill
her emotional tank, to fuel love to burn for a lifetime is to communicate
with her, to converse with her. You see
women enjoy conversation simply for the sake of conversing. She
needs daily conversation. If
you're out of town guys, you ought to call her every single day. She needs regular consistent conversation
with you. How much does
she need? You're not going to like the answer. Most of the studies done from successful
couples to try to discover how much personal interaction and communication
is occurring during a week that causes love to grow, keep the tank
full, comes in somewhere around 10 to 15 hours a week. Ooow. Now when I first began to read those studies
I was very troubled. Because
where in the world am I going to get 15 minutes a day, much less
15 hours a week? And yet, lest you think I'm crazy, you
need to understand, as we walk through this, that many of the other
needs of a man and other needs of a woman, as you begin to meet them,
they also contribute to and meet this need. And
10 to 15 hours a week, when you understand the rest of the scenario,
is not such an unrealistic figure. So
don't allow yourself to say, "Well, I'll never make it." You
see, if love is to last a lifetime, you have to fall in love with
the same person over and over and over again. And
that requires communication and lots of it. People
fall in love as a result of the time they spend exchanging conversation
and affection. So
we need that much. The
problem is, that after the marriage, the
average couple spends 37 minutes a week in meaningful conversation. So
37 minutes a week is a long way from 10 to 15 hours. Is
it any wonder then that we as Americans in our fast-paced living
lead the world in divorce? We
have allowed everything else to consume the time that was supposed
to be devoted to the # 2 need of a woman, and our marriages fall
apart. Somewhere along
the line, she'll say something to you like, "You know, I miss
the talks that we once had." Because
before you were married, you talked for hours, right guys? Remember that? In fact, if you were to calculate it out,
you probably spent somewhere between 10 to 15 hours a week winning
her hand in marriage. Suddenly,
when you've won the prize you think it's not necessary anymore to
keep falling in love. And yet it is absolutely essential. So she misses it, so somewhere she'll
say, "You know, I miss the talks we once had. Honey,
let's talk." Guys, that is the signal that her emotional tank is emptying. And
it needs to be replenished and refilled, and only you can do it. And
if you don't she will turn to someone else, someone else to converse
with. It ought to be
you. The worse thing you can say guys, when
she says
"Honey, let's talk"--the worse thing, I mean, this is the
bottom of the pit guys, when you say, "Sure! What do you want
to talk about?!" Don't
ever say that again. That is not a good response. Her first thought will be, "Well,
if you don't know the answer to that question, then I guess we don't
have anything to talk about." It
wounds her spirit, and you see, that answer
"Sure! What'ya want
to talk about?!" reflects the male beat toward communicating for
the purpose of solutions. That's
the way we talk, guys, we talked about this in our communication series. But you see, women don't communicate for
solutions, women communicate for sharing. They
share their soul as they talk out loud. And that's why that answer is so aggravating
to her. "Sure! What'ya want to talk about?!" "Come'on get
to it, spit it out? I'll solve it!" It bugs her. Now
let me turn the tables gentlemen, and let
me illustrate to you how awful it sounds to her when you say "Sure! What'ya want to talk about?!" Let's
suppose that you say to her "Honey, let's make love." And
she says,
"Why? Do you want
to have children?" That is exactly the same answer as when
you say "What'ya want to talk about?!" You see her answer is focussed on the
end purpose, right? Children! And I'll bet that answer would be aggravating
to most of you husbands. Am
I right? You chicken-hearts?! You guys! "Oh
no, wouldn't aggravate me at all." You see, he's thinking when she would
say that,
"I just want to be intimate with you." Well, when you say "Sure! Want'ya want to talk about?!" she's thinking "Look I don't
want a discussion, I don't want to solve the world's problems, I just
want to be intimate with you." Just
as men find sex enjoyable for the sake of enjoyment, women find conversation
enjoyable for the sake of enjoyment. And
guys, it is that important to her, it is her # 2 need, and God knew
that, and so in his wisdom he gave us James 1:19. James
1:19 says, "My dear brothers, make note of this. Everyone should be quick to hear, slow
to speak, and slow to become angry." Guys,
we need to be quick to listen, slow to speak. The result is a lack of anger in our relationships. God
is brilliant, he knew that was a # 2 need
of a woman, so he said that to us so that we wouldn't mess up the relationships. Her # 1 need--affection, her # 2 need--conversation. His # 1 need--sexual fulfillment. His # 2
need, very interesting, look at Genesis chapter 2, verse 7. Genesis 2:7 says, "The Lord formed
man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the
breath of life and the man became a living being." Verse
15, "Then the Lord God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to work it and to take care of it." Verse 18, "Then the Lord said, 'It
is not good for the man to be alone, I will make a helper suitable
for him.'" Verse 21, "So
the Lord caused the man to fall into a deep sleep and while he was
sleeping he took one of man's ribs, closed up the place with flesh. Then
the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken from the man and
he brought her to the man, and the man said this, 'Now this is bone
of my bones and flesh of my flesh, she'll be called woman, for she
was taken out of man.' And
for this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be united
to his wife and they will become one flesh." Next
week we're going to look at all the theology behind this as we talk
about how to affair-proof your marriage, and we talk about the bonding process and all
of that. But for now I
want you to notice verse 18, it says, "The Lord says that it is
not good for a man to be alone. I'll
make a suitable helper for him." Gentlemen,
the most suitable helper for you is the woman. It
was God's design, it was God's creation, it was
what he knew you needed.
2. b.) Your # 2 need is a recreational
playmate, in your wife. Your
# 1 need is sexual fulfillment. Your
# 2 need is a recreational playmate. You see,
it's not good to be alone. And
so the most suitable helper for you, the suitable completer, the
most suitable fulfiller of relationships for you is that one special
woman. Now let me explain this for just a moment. Before
[marriage], the women often do recreational things with men. You
may remember that. You
may remember that before you were married you'd go fishing with him,
or you'd throw a football with him, or you might even stand beside
his car and pass him a wrench. Or
you might even lift weights with him, or any one of a hundred other
things that are recreational things that you do typically before
your marriage, and I think it's because instinctively, women know
that this is a good relationship builder. When we went on our honeymoon, you now
there was a limiting factor on finances and so forth, and so we decided
that we would spend four days, because that was all we could afford,
working our way down the coast of Monterray,
Pacific Grove and so forth, and in that area. And
then we had three days left before I had to be back at work, and
so I said, "What do you want to do with those other three days,
Sony?" And she said, "I
don't know. What do you
want to do?" And
I said, "You know what I really want to do?" She said, "No. What do you really
want to do?" I said, "I
want to go water skiing." "Water
skiing?" "Yeah." "That's not a very romantic way to
spend your honeymoon." And
today when I tell people "Yeah, we went water skiing on our
honeymoon." People look at me like, "What a dirt-bag
you are." But you
see, what I didn't realize at the time, is
the # 2 need of a man is for a recreational companion. And
I instinctively wanted to take her water skiing, and teach her to
water ski. [Roger Littlefield
and his sailing-companion wife! What
a close couple.] And
that's what we did on my honeymoon, took her to water ski. You
see that T.V shows always portray guys out in the woods, they're
all alone, they're being men, you know. And
they're bragging, "This is the life, no women here, it doesn't
get any better than this!" Nonsense! Truth is, they'd
rather have their wives along if their wives enjoyed the same things
they did. I mean, think
about it guys, would you rather look at Harry or your honey, you
know? It's not really a contest. And God knew that. That's why he said, "Look, it's not
good to be alone, I'll make a helper suitable for him." The most suitable recreational companion
is your wife. And ladies,
you need to understand that. You
see, what happens, is that after the wedding, wives typically try
to get their husbands interested in activities more to their liking,
and guys don't go for that. And so, usually when that fails, the wives
will encourage their husbands to continue on "and do what you
do without me, it'll be O.K. I'll
see you when you get home, and we'll connect later"--and they
encourage them to go along and enjoy their recreational things--and
it's the worst thing that you can do for your marriage. Because
what happens then is he is having his # 2 need met somewhere else. Something else or someone else is filling
that emotional tank, and you ought to be filling it instead. If you're doing things, guys, that she
doesn't enjoy doing, quit doing 'em and do something she enjoys. When we first got married, Sonya and I,
I liked to play baseball. And
yet I would come into the house after working, and two nights a week
grab my cleats and my glove and head on out the door and said, "See ya later." And
on Saturdays, spent at the ball park. And
when volleyball season came around there was two nights a week of
practice, and you know, there were the games on Saturdays, so I was
two nights and one day a week when I was out. And
she was always gracious and she always encouraged me, but what I
saw happening was that there was a growing resentment in her spirit. Because if a man only has so much time
for a recreational activity, "Why in the
would he rather be with those guys than with me?" [is what
she's thinking.] And
she was right, so I put the volleyball aside, put the baseball aside,
and we started to cultivate things that we do together, and it's wonderful. And
it's the way we ought to be. We're
meeting--you know when you're meeting not only your second need but
her second need, because you're talking. You're communicating. There's
conversation. And I just want you wives to understand
and appreciate that.
Right after I broke my leg I was at the hair-cutter getting my hair cut
and she asked me of course, "How'd you get your leg broken?" And I said "I broke it riding dirt
bikes." And she said, "Oh,
my husband loves to do that." "What
does he ride?" And
she said, "He rides those quad-runner things." And I said, "Oh, have you ever gone
with him?" She goes "Are
you kidding? Get out there
in the hot and the sand and the dirt and the stink. I'm
not interested in that." And
I said, "You know, you really ought to try it, because the # 2
need of a man is a recreational companion." And
she said "# 2 need? What's
his # 1 need?" And
I said "Sex", and she said "Oh that figures." But
the # 2 need [of a man] is [for] a recreation companion. I said, "I'll bet he's asked you
to go with him, hasn't he?" She
goes, "Yeah, all the time." I
said "Next time he asks you to go, blow his mind and say 'I'd
love to go.'" And
she said, "Okay, I will." Well
I went in to get my hair cut last week. Sat
down. She said "You're
not going to believe what happened." I
said "What happened?" She
said "I went quad-runner riding." I
said "You did!?! "How
was it?" She says, "Oh it was awful. I flipped off, rolled and crashed and
all that kind of thing." And
I said, "Well, there are no broken bones, so you did okay." She said, "Yeah, I did okay." I said, "What did your husband think
about this?" and she
said, "You would not believe this man's response. When I said I'd like to go with him you
would have thought he'd won the lottery. This
was the greatest thrill of his life!" And
I said "See, # 2 need, a recreational companion." When I'm out doing things, and I have
fun without Sonya, my first thought is "I wish Sonya was here." And so over the years we've grown to appreciate
this #2 need, and so we do everything together. We water ski together, we scuba dive together,
next month we're sky diving together. Now
she bought the tickets, so don't blame me! But I mean those are shared experiences
that produce the fertile soil in which love grows. And
as my needs for a recreational companion are met the love just continues
to grow, and so I just encourage
you about that.
3. a.) His # 1 need is sexual fulfillment, # 2 is recreational
playmate. Her # 1 need
is an environment of affection, her #
2 need is conversation. # 3 is transparency. Openness and honesty gives a woman a sense
of security. They can't
feel like you have any secrets from them. If
they feel like you have secrets, even if you don't, they will sense
it and have an insecurity about that relationship. I meet many men who feel like they have
a need for privacy, a need for their own space, a need for their
man thing. But I'll tell you what, that'll generally
leave a wife feeling very uneasy. And
so as she feels uneasy she'll begin to ask you questions, "Where
were you? What were you
doing? Who were you doing it with?" Not necessarily being mean or anything,
but she has a need to know. And
then he will often feel like she's prying into his private business. He'll often feel like, "You don't
trust me. Why are you
asking me these questions? What's
the matter?" which makes
her feel even more insecure. Listen,
the truth is this, as a couple, God said
we're supposed to be one. And
if there is a oneness about us, we have no private business, because the 3rd greatest need in her life is to
know you--what you're doing, and what you're feeling, and what are
the things you're afraid of--all of that, transparency. When
you are transparent with her, her emotional tank is filled and love
grows. You've got to be honest with her. And
if you're not, she'll feel insecure. One
of my favorite stories isn't recorded in the Bible, but it's a great
story. Adam was out three
or four nights in a row, very late. Eve
was becoming a little bit anxious about where he was. And
so she began to ask him those questions, and you see as a man begins
to withdraw and say "I need my private space"
then she begins to pursue even more, which drives him even further
away. And so this contest is going on "Where
are you? Where've you been?" She gets very upset, and finally she says "You're
running around with another woman!" which is ridiculous. And he says "Don't be ridiculous,
you're the only woman on the planet!" And
so they continue to quarrel and finally Adam fell asleep only to be
awakened by Eve jabbing him in the side, and
he woke up, "Ow! What do
you think you're doing?" And
she said, "I'm counting your ribs!" She
needs transparency, guys. She
needs to feel as though there are no secrets, and there ought not be
any secrets. In fact Ephesians
chapter 4, verse 15 says, "Instead of playing games" that's
my translation. Instead
it says, ""Speak the truth in love, grow up." Our
relationships ought to be characterized by truthfulness with one another. She needs truth and transparency. You've got to tell her the truth. Even if the truth is painful, painful
truth is better than insecurity that covering truth brings. If things aren't going well in business,
tell her so. If you're
struggling in some area of your life, tell her so. When
she asks you those very difficult questions, tell her the truth. When she says, "How do you like my
new hairstyle?" Tell
her the truth [laughter]. Speak
the truth in love. Don't
lie to her and say "Oh it looks wonderful." Because
you've just sent a double message, and a double message says one thing
with your words and another thing with your body language--and she's
perceptive, gentlemen. She will pick up upon that, and she will
feel insecure. And then
she will begin to play those mind games, "Well, if he's not telling
me the truth about this, what else is he being untruthful to me about?" And she will begin to become more clingy, and you'll begin to withdraw even more, and
both of your emotional tanks begin to drain, and it's dumb. When all that we really need to do is
to fulfill the words of our Lord, and make sure that we're transparent. That mistrust gives her a deep sense of
insecurity. It
sends mixed signals, she has no foundation
for the relationship. [i.e.
Honesty, transparency builds the foundation of the relationship--it's
foundational.] Jesus
Christ put it very well. One of my favorite verses. I've
told it to you many times, where Jesus said "Let your yes mean
yes, your no mean no, and anything beyond this is evil." That's the best policy for being transparent.
# 3 need of a man: Look
at Judges 14. Judges 14,
verse 1. It says, "Then Sampson went down
to Timna and saw a woman in Timna,
one of the daughters of the Philistines. So
he came back to his father and his mother and said, 'I saw a woman
in Timna, one of the daughters of the Philistines,
now there, get her for me as a wife.' Then
his father and mother said to him, 'Is there no woman among all of
our people, that you have to take a wife from the uncircumcised
Philistines?' But Sampson
said to his father, 'Get her for me, for she looks good to me.'" She looked good to Sampson. Now ladies, you may not like this one,
but I'm gonna cut it real straight with you.
3. b.) The # 3
need of a man is an attractive wife. Men
are visually oriented. Sampson
made his decision on his wife solely on the superficial grounds of
her physical appearance. Is
that shallow? Yes! But
is it real? Absolutely. Men
are creatures of sight. A
lot of times young guys now will be asking me questions about how
I picked Sonya and 'How'd you know you were in love with her?' 'What
kind of insights can you give me?' And
I always get a kick out of that, and I tell them, "I don't have
a clue man, I got lucky." Because
it wasn't so much insight that caused me to pick her, it was eyesight that caused me
to pick her. And then
we worked out the details as we went along the way. But
men need an attractive wife. Now
women are different from men. See
a woman can look beyond a man's physical appearance and love him
for what's on the inside. Aren't
you glad guys? Because you're all
ugly. But it is nearly impossible for a man
to appreciate a women for inner qualities
alone. I love the story of the farmer who took
his family to town. They
hadn't been to town for years, and they went to this big department
store. First time they'd ever been to a department store. And
the wife was off shopping, and the father and son were tired of course
now. And they sat down in front of the elevator. And
they saw this rather large elderly woman waddle into the elevator. The
door closed. Just moments
later the doors open and this beautiful young woman walked out. And the man looked to his boy and said, "I
gonna get Mom and run her through that thing!" Men are visually oriented. Now, I'm not saying that every woman should
look like Sharon Stone. But
every woman ought to make the most of what she has. He
loved you for whatever you were when you were first married, he will
continue to love you, just take care of it. You
see, attractiveness is not what you have, but what you do with what
you have. And an attractive
woman is made, not born. Sometimes
I see pictures in magazines of models on one side of the page without
their makeup and on the other side of the page with their makeup
and it is absolutely astounding. You
look at these women on the one side and think, "Holy smoke,
what are they doing there?" and then
you look on the other side and say, "Well that makes sense." And
then you find out it's the same person and you go "There's no
way!" I'm not saying a woman should be eternally
young. But getting older
is no excuse for letting yourself go. And getting older is no excuse for failing
to fix your hair or dressing like a bag-lady. One
elderly lady here at church said, "You know I'm just as beautiful
as I ever was, it just takes me a little longer to get that way." Leaving
this morning, another lady said, "Youth is a work of nature,
middle age is a work of art." Well,
there's truth to both of those statements. But
the reality is, if you don't look good, he won't look very much. And then he'll tend to notice other women,
especially good looking ones. And
then he'll tend to make comments about them. That's
horrible for the relationship, by the way. And
if he's a Christian, he'll actually feel guilty about looking. Your marriage will begin to have a limp. Husbands will be turned off, not very
interested in sex. Generally
won't be that affectionate, so he won't meet your # 1 need. Worse yet, he may start fantasizing about
someone else when he's intimate with you, develop
a mistress of the mind, very unhealthy. Worst
of all he might start looking somewhere else to have his need met,
so it really is an important one. Even
as superficial as it sounds, it's very real. Simple
test to know how you're doing, ladies. A wife's attractiveness to her husband
is very easily measured by how much he wants to touch her, squeeze
her, pinch her, whatever, but he will make it known to you that you
look good to him. Another indicator is that when a man is
pleased with his wife's appearance, he will be very enthusiastic
about expressing how pleased he is with your appearance. And on the other hand, when a man has
little to say it might be because he doesn't see much to talk about. And so that's the # 3 need of a man. Now let's get off of that one. And guys, quit
elbowing that lady sitting next to you.
4. a. ) Now,
fourth need of a wife--financial security. 1 Timothy
chapter 5, verses 7 and 8. "Give
the people these instructions too, so that no one will be open to
blame. If anyone does not provide for his relatives,
especially of his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is
worse than an unbeliever." Catch
that? The financial obligation
of the man to provide for his family. God
knew that women have a need for financial security. They need to be able to look out on the
horizon and feel secure that it's going to be O.K. The need for financial security and support
is deep and very serious for a woman. And
the problem is that many times we ignore that as men because you
can typically function day-to-day, but she needs to function in the
future. Remember just a few weeks ago we said
that's why you carry a wallet, men, and she carries a purse. She's prepared for every possible thing
that can come her way--you're prepared for the moment. Likewise,
her fourth need is for financial security. Couples
need to learn to live within their means. Especially the younger
couples that are here with us this morning and the younger couples
that will hear this via the radio and so forth. I
really believe that the best rule of thumb for the economic success
is to make sure that you live on all of the basics of life provided
for from his check, not hers. I
know that sounds kind of narrow minded and it
sounds a little bit chauvinistic and so forth, but there's a very
good reason for that, because most young couples find themselves
living far beyond their means. They
find themselves strapped into a lifestyle where they need both incomes
just to make ends meet. And
what this does within her, it creates an insecurity because
she thinks things like "What if he gets hurt? What
if I get sick? What if
I have a child?" And
it's terrible stress on the family. And
so the wonderful thing to do is to plan ahead and know guys that
her 4th need is financial security. That
means you take care of the insurance issues and get those things
in line, and that you start working toward just working off your
salary. When I was first
married to Sony I made a whapping $600 a month. Boy I thought I was rich. Then Sonya got a job working for a boat
company and she made $800 a month. But
when I got that first raise and I moved up to $650 a month, Sonya
cut her hours and went down to $750. When
I got the next raise and went to $700, she went down to $700. When I went up to $750, she went down
to $650, and we continued to do that until she was working just the
hours she was comfortable with, and we made it a point to keep our
standard of living such that we could live off of my check instead
of living beyond our means. The great thing about that is when children
came along four years into our marriage (now I know not everybody
has that kind of time span and so forth), but the great thing about
it was, our financial security was in place. By
that time Sonya's paycheck was going into savings or toys or something
we didn't have to have to have it to live on. And
she was able to make a choice. A
choice of staying home or going back, but she had a choice. This gives a woman security. And young couples ought to work toward
having that choice. And
if his paycheck doesn't cover the basic expenses, you have four options. One option is he can work longer hours
or get a second job, but that's not good for your marriage. The second option is you can use credit
cards to sustain a phony standard of living until you're so deeply
in debt that you don't know what you're gonna do. That's
not a good solution. She
can be forced to work, but that's not a good solution because those
who study relationships say that most married women tell counselors
that they resent working. If they're working, it's only going to
absolute necessities. Now
I realize when you're first married, sometimes you have to do that. And one of the ingredients that's important
to understand is that you may have to do this for a time, but if
she feels like "I'm gonna be trapped here forever", she
is not going to feel financially secure. Maybe
the two of you work very hard for a short time and work toward some
common goal, but don't do that to the extent that it damages your
relationship. And there is a 4th option, and that is
a family can lower it's standard of living. That's the best option, live within your
means. Living within
your means grants financial security, which is her fourth need, which
fills her emotional tank. Your
marriage begins to thrive, even without the toys. So
the # 1 need of a woman, affection, # 2 conversation, # 3 transparency,
# 4 financial security. The
# 1 need of a man is sexual fulfillment, # 2 recreational playmate,
# 3 an attractive wife, # 4 is found in proverbs chapter 31, verse
10. It says, "The
wife of a noble character who can find? She's
worth more than rubies." O.K.
here's the gal who's worth more than rubies to a guy, verse 11, "Her
husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value." Verse
13, "She selects wool and flax and works eagerly with her hands. She's
like the merchant ships bringing food from afar." "She gets up" verse 15 says "when
it's still dark and provides food for her family and portions for
the servant girls." Verse 19, "In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the
spindle with her fingers." Verse
21 says "when it snows she has no fear for her household, for
all of them are clothed in scarlet."
4. b.) You now what that's about?--domestic
support. That's the #4
need of a man--help on the homefront. You see,
most men feel overworked. I'm
not saying how they are, that's how they feel. Most
guys feel like they've done everything to make the standard of living
where it is. Most guys feel, they have this unspoken
expectation, since they have worked so hard, that she ought to simplify their
lives by cooking the meals, washing the clothes, and keeping the
house picked up. I'm
not saying it's right, but I'm saying it's real. I really think that guys ought to be helping
out at home. The guys
ought to be helping out with the chores and all that. I
do all that kind of stuff around the house, I think it's healthy. But basically man feels like he needs
domestic support. He
needs order in his home. It's
very important to him. I'm not sure why, but it's very real. And despite all the women's lib stuff
and the idea of being Mr. Mom and the household chores and all that
kind of thing, it still isn't very popular with most men. Most
men are looking for a woman to help manage the household stuff. But guys, you oughta help. There
was a great survey done recently.
5. a.) #5 need of a woman. She
needs her man to be a good father. Ephesians
chapter 6, verse 4 says "Fathers, do not exasperate your children,
instead bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord." The responsibility of the wellbeing of
the family and the children rests upon Dad. You
are the trend-setter, the pace setter and that is what you ought
to be fulfilling in your relationship. And
it's not surprising then that women have this as their 5th need. She has a profound need for you to love
her kids. If you are
in a blended family and you have stepchildren, men, love those children. She needs it. You
fill her emotional tank when you love those children. You fill her emotional tank when you are
patient with those children. Women
seem to know instinctively what psychologists are finally discovering
that a man's role in the family is absolutely essential. And
when a father avoids that role his wife loses her admiration for
him, her tank begins to drain, the marriage
begins to suffer. [For
excellent resources on child rearing log onto Focus
on the Family’s website at: http://www.family.org ]
5. b.) The 5th
need of a man--admiration. Ephesians 5:33 says the wife must
respect her husband. Ladies,
every man wants his wife to be proud of him. Every
man needs and expects his wife to be his biggest fan. The
whole world can be coming apart around him, and if you're standing
in his corner, he will make it. Honest
admiration of him is a great motivation. Criticism,
on the other hand, will make him defensive. And
yet when you admire him, when you tell him that you think he's
wonderful--and you appreciate the hard work he has done, whatever
it is--he will generally try to live up to your expectations and
he will die trying to be for you what he ought to be anyway--because
admiration inspires him.
And
so we all have an emotional tank. Love
is fueled by the contents of that emotional tank. It is filled for women by affection, conversation,
transparency, financial support, and being a good father. It's filled for men by a fulfilling sex
life, a recreational friend, an attractive wife, a domestic support
and admiration.
It's
wonderful the way God made us isn't it? And
now our job is to fulfill the mandates of the Scriptures, and to apply
to our relationships what we have learned, so that the emotional tanks
are full, so love can grow and last for a lifetime."
[Copyright
© Moore On Life,
Notes:
Your Needs,
Her Needs, Our Needs (Part II)
I.
We all have a need for spiritual fulfillment (covered in first tape)
II. We also have a second need, and
that second need is a need for emotional fulfillment. You see, everyone has an emotional tank.
a. Most of our marital misunderstandings are
due to our failure to understand how to fill that other person's
emotional tank.
b. A person cannot fill his or her own emotional
tank by themselves, and they cannot empty it by themselves.
c. We all have this driving need to have this
emotional tank filled.
d. We make deposits in the other person's
emotional tank when we meet their emotional needs. We make withdrawals when we ignore their
emotional needs.
e.
The most
important things about this is that the fuel
in that emotional tank is the fuel upon which love burns. If
love is to last a lifetime, we must know how to fill the emotional tank
of the person we live with in marriage.
f. The
five basic emotional needs of a man, and the five basic emotional
needs of a woman:
1.a. Now two weeks ago we looked
at the #1 need of a woman, and that was the need for affection.
1.b. The # 1 need of a man is
for sexual fulfillment.
2.a. The # 2 need of a woman is
conversation. The second
most significant was to fill her emotional tank, to fuel love to
burn for a lifetime is to communicate with her, to converse with
her. People fall in love as a result of the
time they spend exchanging conversation and affection.
2.b. A man's
# 2 need is for a recreational playmate in his wife.
3.a. Her # 3 need is for transparency,
openness and honesty in her man gives a woman a sense of security. Her 3rd greatest need in her life is to
know you--what you're doing, and what you're feeling, and what are
the things you're afraid of--all of that, transparency. When
you are transparent with her, her emotional tank is filled and love
grows. You've got to
be honest with her.
3.b. The 3rd need of a man is
to have an attractive wife. Men
are visually oriented.
4.a. The 4th need of a wife is
for financial security. Couples
need to learn to live within their means.
4.b. His # 4 need is for domestic
support. That's the # 4 need of a man--help on
the home-front.
5.a. The # 5 need of a woman is
for her man to be a good father.
5.b. The #
5 need of a man--admiration. Criticism,
on the other hand, will make him defensive. But
he will die trying to be for you what he ought to be anyway--because
your admiration inspires him.
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